I still didn’t sleep. But I feel much better. Physically. There is no doubt in my mind that the much-increased water intake and the self care made a huge difference.
Self care is an interesting nut to crack. I don’t think I’m very good at it. And when I examine why, I guess I was never ‘taught’ to take care of myself. My mom was single mother in a very different world for the working woman. She was also just beginning to discover herself in a life she had never experienced, by marrying right out of high school. I was the youngest of three with quite an age spread in between. I was raised more by my sisters who were largely children themselves and then they were gone, moved on into their own lives.
I chose at some point that being angry about not getting the kind of care I saw my friends enjoying was a waste of energy. And after some really good therapy, I came to a way of thinking that I could live with. My mom did the best she could.
That does not change the fact however, that yesterday when I went into ‘self care mode’ my response was, ‘Shit, what do I do now?’
Then you just…figure it out. If I had a child or a good friend feeling this way, what would I tell them to do?
My head hurts – drink a bunch of water. (And take a Tylenol, if not fasting.)
My neck and shoulders hurt – wear a scarf when you got out to walk the dog, do a gentle yoga & stretch, take a hot tub and stretch, use that fantastic CDC or CBC or CBD (whatever) gel stick for sore muscles you have that smells so good.
Take a walk and let Nature do its healing thing.
And you know what? It all worked.
And I felt cared for.
I also put fresh sheets on my bed. That was the big ‘gift to myself’ for yesterday. I love fresh sheets.
I still didn’t sleep very well.
And that was because I forgot fasting is not just a physical experience.
I have a sneaking suspicion the neck hurt thing is tied to this: the neck and shoulders are right around the fifth chakra. My amateur expertise into chakras, meditation and the meaning of life – informs me “the 5th chakra in our seven chakra energy system holds our authentic expression, communication, and uniqueness. It is the bridge between our intellect and our emotions. “
The one common denominator of every fast I have done is that there has always been an incredible emotional purge – an emotional detox. Lots of crying. Like everyone, I keep things locked up inside. Like a lot of people, I’m incredibly sensitive and emotional. Like probably everyone, I should probably be in therapy now. And maybe like others, I drink quite a bit. And alcohol is a depressant. So if you stop drinking guess what – a lot of stuff may get un-depressed.
But interestingly, that the emotional detox is NOT exactly what I experienced yesterday.
Yesterday, I also gave myself the gift of having a very dear friend over for the evening. And while I salivated for her spanakopita and red wine, we had a really good talk. We hadn’t seen each other in a while and we caught up on all the things you need to express that you can only talk to another woman about. And that was good.
It left me very unsettled. I realized I had been holding back/keeping down several (3) unfortunate (putting it mildly) events that had left me feeling misunderstood, treated unfairly, which makes me feel angry, but also guilty and responsible.
‘I behaved badly.’
‘I let my ego take control.’
‘It is my responsibility to fix it.’
(Those last three sentences. That’s ‘That Voice’. The one you hear in your head. The one that tells you what an asshole you are. That voice that prefers to bludgeon you rather than help you work to truth.)
OR was it the truth? The truth that’s hard to face.
Thus, the unsettled-ment. The dis-ease.
So I took another walk today (I have a dog. A husky. Walks are a part of my daily life, thank Dog.) It came to me that some part of these particular feelings that came up last night are very, very familiar. They have a texture that I remember feeling in childhood when I felt responsible to fix things when they were in arrears with my divorced parents.
A. Perhaps these current feelings of responsibility are not entirely appropriate for this situation(s).
B. Perhaps these feelings identified from the past are a signal that this may be an opportunity in the present to learn, grow, change, HEAL.
OK – maybe.
But most significantly, on the walk today I realized that I am IN THE MIDDLE OF A FAST.
There is a huge shift at work on every level of my being. Whether visible or not, things are in flux in my mind, my body, my heart and my soul. All four parts of me.
Now is not the time to make any big decisions, make any big changes, take any aggressive action, take anything too seriously.
“Don’t move til you see it.”
Take a walk instead.
Breathe, relax, observe, consider.
See you tomorrow.